One of the toughest financial transitions I have made over the years was becoming a breadwinner for a family.
I had been a single professional for a number years, supporting myself easily, so I suppose I was a breadwinner then. However, taking care of just myself was pretty simple. If I wanted to cut back on costs, I did. If I wanted to spend more, I only had to take myself and my goals into account.
The first year of marriage I still didn’t think of myself as a breadwinner. Though we were living a lifestyle that was only affordable with a physician’s income, my spouse was still working as well. He used his income to cover his spending: gas, presents, sending money to the kid in college. I did a lot of the grocery shopping, paid the utilities, etc.
In our second year of marriage, my husband left his job. We had talked about it and come to an agreement. He was bringing in less money as the nature of his business changed. The hours were terrible: he worked nights, and I worked days, and it felt like we barely saw each other. After an injury at work, we decided it was probably better for him to stay home. We thought we would probably save more money having him take care of things at home–an assumption that we have never looked at too closely. However, I would point out that we don’t pay for a house keeper, or yard service, and seldom need to have workmen come fix the house either.
Despite all the logical arguments in favor of this plan, I must admit that in those first few months as the sole moneymaker in the house, I had a few episodes of palpitations, when I realized that there were now three people dependent on my income. There could be no fantasy of quitting and staying on the sofa if work got hard, I had two other people relying on me to bring home the bacon.
I’m sure my bosses were thrilled with my attitude. You need people to do more hospital hours? Done. You packed my clinic schedule fuller than a VW full of clowns? Okay, I’ll get through it before the staff have to leave for the day.
For all that I was and am a huge proponent of equality and women’s rights, believing that it was time for women to be treated equally to men at work, I never before had felt the pressure to provide for others. It really made me feel for all the fathers–if not in this generation, then in my parents’ generation–who had to support their families. A spouse, 3 to 4 kids, maybe a nanny or house cleaner if there was enough money: that could be 7 other people to provide for, from just 1 person’s efforts. I’m tired just thinking about it.
Time moves on, thank goodness. We recovered financially from buying a house and sending a kid to college, all at the same time. University graduation has come and gone. The Great Recession has been over for a while, though there is talk of another recession being around the corner. It will come eventually, I know. For now, though, my income covers the needs of a two person family, with room to save.
I have settled into my role as a breadwinner, and life is easier financially. But the transition wasn’t easy, and I was fortunate that my time to support a family (rather than just an adult couple) was short. I don’t really miss those days of feeling like everything rested on my shoulders, or the pressure to work harder to keep the household afloat.
Were you expecting to support a family when you were done with school? Do you think men and women react differently to becoming the breadwinner?