An astute reader may have noticed my post a few weeks ago, mentioning the 4-parent problem. Unfortunately, the PiN household now tops out at a 3-parent problem. The family situation being what it is, we had to help plan a funeral.
This got me started thinking: I talk all the time at work about advanced planning–for medical decisions, that is. CPR or no CPR. Keep going back to the hospital or stay more comfortably at home.
Personal finance writers discuss money management for a surviving spouse periodically, usually talking about lists of accounts, passwords, and directions on what to do once they are gone (see: here and here).
I see fewer discussions about the difficult middle: what to do once your loved one is gone, but before everything has been settled.
As we (me, Mr. PiN and his family) dealt with planning questions, I thought it might be useful to go through some of the issues we struggled with. It may not help the families of those who refuse to contemplate their mortality at all; but for people willing to plan, these are the things we wish had been thought about earlier.
I frequently frame my discussions of living wills as: thinking about this is not being morbid. Giving direction to your loved ones who have to make these decisions (while upset) is a huge gift. It takes the pressure off of them to guess at what you wanted, and gives them the peace of knowing they are honoring your wishes.
My father in law apparently never thought at all about his wife’s eventual demise, despite the fact that she left 90 in the rear-view mirror a while ago.
Here is what I wish had been decided years ago, because it would have saved a lot of mental wheel-spinning now.
Plans for the body
At the very basic level, planning a funeral means planning what to do with the remains, once someone has shuffled off their mortal coil. Cremation or burial? Embalming: yes or no?
After that, you still need to figure out the final resting place. If planning a burial, you need a plot (usually at a cemetery). If arranging for a cremation, you still need to decide where the ashes go (on your fireplace mantel? In a garden? At their favorite sports stadium?)
With people moving all over the country, deciding on the latter can be tricky. Did someone want to stay permanently in their latest home town? Go home to the family plot? Or return to the community from 2 moves ago where they put down roots and hoped to return to before they died?
Plans for a ceremony
Sometimes, if a person is religious, this part is easy: funeral at the house of worship, led by the current clergy, attended by family and friends and the congregation who chooses to attend. Social gathering for more personal displays of support as per local norms.
However, if a person has not been engaged with organized religion, a little guidance here would be quite welcome. Guessing at which traditions (if any) to incorporate is tiring. Especially in mixed marriages where neither member of the couple contemplated their mortality.
A few lines jotted down (have a wake at the pub, wait a month and have a memorial service, hold a service at the family church I haven’t stepped foot in for 20 years) could save the family a lot of mental energy.
If you choose to go full planner, good for you. Reading instructions of: bury me in my power red suit, with a walnut casket; I want an announcement in all the papers and a memorial bench at my alma mater takes a lot of stress off your family. But just the basics above could be (would have been) super helpful.
Of course, if you really want to take the pressure off the family, you could address more of the questions we had to answer in a short period:
- Do you want a public announcement? If so, what should the obituary cover?
- Open-casket viewing or no?
- Funeral soon or a memorial service later?
- Do you have a favorite hymn, song, or poem you would like at a service?
- Is there a charity you would want people to support in your memory?
Paying for your plans
I write about personal finance at times, I can’t help writing about money. Besides, funerals can be costly.
You may or may have a budget in mind for a funeral, but be certain, someone will certainly ask for money at some point. The costs can vary tremendously. Cremation can be quite inexpensive, or you can spend tens of thousands on a casket to be buried in (no joke, my father in law was shown a $44,000 model!).
In our case, burial plots (that would be plural, because Mr. PiN’s dad wanted to reserve a space next to his wife) needed to be purchased, as well as paying for funeral home arrangements, and a reception afterwards.
Some arrangements can be managed well ahead of time. For example, 50 years ago my poor mom got a call from her mother in law (my grandmother), informing her that she and my dad now had burial plots with the rest of the family. Just what a 20-something woman wants. On the other hand, my siblings and I don’t have to make that decision when the time comes (though we might have to ask where the paperwork is).
Some arrangements probably should be purchased at the last minute; I have certainly read a number of articles about prepaid funeral arrangements that weren’t honored, often because of shady dealings. I am not sure that I would prepay for a funeral given these stories.
All in all, my father in law spent plenty of money on his wife’s funeral arrangements, and yet, it was less than–for example–an new Japanese economy sedan.
My sister-in-law pointed out that a life insurance policy will cover all of these costs. In fact, the funeral home can send their bill(s) directly to the insurance company, who will take care of business and then send you a check for the rest.
If you are early in your career, or can’t imagine having enough cash to pay for this before any question of inheritance is settled, then maybe planning to cover this out of a term life insurance policy is a good idea.
If all goes well for a physician, this sort of money should be no big deal after earning attending pay for several years; hopefully, such costs won’t need to be paid until several more decades of a comfortable retirement. Though maybe they should go on a list of big-ticket items to account for with one’s nest egg.
Thank you for sticking with me as I write about a not-so-comfortable topic. It has been on my mind. If you have had to go through this recently, my condolences.
I will ask if there is anything else you would add to the list of things to address?